Original ad:
36″ RCA tube TV for sale. good condition. pickup only. very heavy. first with $50 gets it. no phone- email only.

From Me to ************@*********.org:

Hey there,

I want your TV. I have $50 cash and can pick it up anytime. What is your number? I’ll call you for directions.

Mike

From Steve ***** to Me:

hi mike. i live at 54 ********* dr. can you get it today? i dont have a phone so just show up and knock on my door. ill be home all day sound good?

From Me to Steve *****:

Sounds good. I’ll be over in a few hours.

Thanks,

Mike

From Me to Steve *****:

Hey, I’m on Pughtown Rd right now but I am having trouble finding your house. Can you help me out? I pulled over on Wilson Rd and I’ll wait for your instructions.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

i dont live on pughtown. i live on ******** dr. if you turn rite onto pughtown, then rite on bethel rd from pughtown it will take you there.

From Me to Steve *****:

Okay, I turned onto Pughtown again but I don’t see Bethel Rd. I crossed over a river and now it says I am coming up on Route 113. Am I going the right direction?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

no. i said make a rite on pughtown. you made a left. turn around and go the other way. your not even close so you have a way to go.

From Me to Steve *****:

Uh…I turned around and I’m still not seeing Bethel. It looks like I’m at Pughtown and Rt. 100. Should I go down that?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

NO! you drove passed bethel dude IT INTERSECTS WITH PUGHTOWN. turn around and it will be on your LEFT

From Me to Steve *****:

I already turned onto Rt. 100 because you took too long to respond. It is kind of hard to turn around on this road. Doesn’t 100 intersect with 113? I’m just going to do that and then loop around back to Pughtown Rd.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

no dont do that!! you will be on 100 for like 15 miles before that happens! just turn around and get back on pughtown this should be easy

From Me to Steve *****:

This would be much easier if I could just call you. What is your phone number?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

i already told you i dont have a phone. how is this so confusing to you? where are you now?

From Me to Steve *****:

I think I’m on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. It says the next exit is King of Prussia in 15 miles. Should I get off at that exit?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

dude why the FUCK would you get on the turnpike? didnt you notice something was wrong WHEN YOU HAD TO GO THRU A FUCKING TOLL???? jesus man you are hopeless!

From Me to Steve *****:

Calm down. No need for profanities. I saw the toll and realized something was wrong, but there wasn’t anywhere for me to turn around so I just went through it. I accidentally went through the EZ-PASS thing instead of the regular toll and I think it took a picture of my license plate. Should I get off at the King of Prussia exit? I just passed a billboard for Geico insurance, if that helps.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

i cant help you. you are beyond lost. next time get a fucking GPS if you are this bad with directons

From Me to Steve *****:

Well, I hope you are happy. I just got pulled over for texting while driving, and going 103 in a 65. The cop is running my information right now.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

how the fuck is that my fault!?

From Me to Steve *****:

Apparently my registration and insurance are expired, so they are towing my car. Also, they said there is a bench warrant out for my arrest for not paying some speeding ticket I got last year. They are taking me to a police station in Norristown. The cop said I should be processed in a few hours. Would you be able to bail me out? Bring the TV, too. They are taking my phone now so I won’t be able to talk to you after this.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

are you fucking with me? im sorry dude but you are a fucking idiot and im done dealing withyou

==============================
EPILOGUE – SEVERAL DAYS LATER
==============================

From Me to Steve *****:

Hey, it is Mike again. Where were you? You never came to bail me out. I had to get a bail bondsman and now I owe like $1500. On top of that, they found a bowl and some weed in my car, and a little bit of cocaine. I’m getting charged with possession, which is going to cost me a fortune. Plus my speeding ticket which is going to be over $200. Seeing as this is your fault, I think you should pay me at least $500 as compensation. I don’t know when I will get my car back so you will have to bring the $500 to me. I live in West Chester, when can you come with the money? Also, bring the TV.

Mike

From Steve ***** to Me:

listen up you stupid fuckhead. i gave you the easiest directons and you still got fucking lost. did i ask you to go on the turnpike and get pulled over for speeding like a fucking idiot? did i ask you to have drugs in your car? NO. you must be smoking crack if you think im giving you $500 and the tv. im surprised the cops didnt find crack in your car you fucking crackhead. none of this is my fault you are just a fucking dipshit that cant follow directons so fuck the fuck off and never email me again!!!!

oh and i sold the tv to someone else and the guy had no problems finding my house cause HES NOT A FUCKING MORON

============================================

If you like this, check out the book by John Lindsay
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9: Awesome Facebook Profile Pictures

*NOTE*
At the moment of posting this there is a tie for the #8 spot. With the page views going back and forth it was too close to call a winner.
8-2: Happy Bikini Day!

8-1: Facebook Fails 12-9

7: The Best Engagement Pictures Ever

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5: Really Bad Maternity Pictures

4: Girls With Guns

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And the #1 post from 2011 is
Forever Alone Prank Flash Mob

We’re still getting hate mail from that one

Original ad:
Attention all ice skaters and hockey players! Volunteers needed to train children participating in the Special Olympics hockey team. Anyone with adequate skating skill can be used to help teach our athletes to skate. Please call 410-***-**** or respond to the email address above.
Judy

From Me to ************@**********.org

Judy,

I am writing in response to your ad regarding helping children learn to skate.

I was a legend in minor league hockey until my career was cut short by a career ending injury. I still love the game of hockey though and would love to pass on my skills to your wonderful children. I look forward to hearing from you.

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Mike,

I am sorry to hear about your injury. That is very unfortunate. Are you still able to skate? I only ask because we need someone to skate one-on-one with the children.

Judy

From Me to Judy *******:

Oh yes, I am still able to skate. I think you misunderstood me. My career was cut short because I was banned after causing another player to have a career ending injury. It was an unfortunate accident, but the league came down extremely hard on me. It really wasn’t fair, if you ask me.

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Yikes! What were the circumstances of the ban/injury, if you don’t mind me asking?

From Me to Judy *******:

Not at all. It really wasn’t a big deal. The guy was fine, but everyone turned it into this huge ordeal. During a fight, I broke his eye socket, fish-hooked his cheek apart and slashed his achilles tendon with my skate. He also suffered brain damage from blood loss, but that is more the paramedics fault than mine for letting him bleed out for so long. Looks like the only sport he’ll be playing now is “shitting in a bag” (heh heh). Anyway, the pussies at the commissioner’s office considered it “gross misconduct” and “assault” and gave me a lifetime ban. Can you believe that? I thought this was supposed to be hockey!

So like I said, I was a legend in minor league hockey. My nickname used to be “Murderin’ Mike” (don’t worry, I never actually murdered anyone. It was just a cute nickname). I won more fights than everyone else in the division combined. In fact, I’ve only ever lost one fight on the ice. But I won the rematch in the parking lot (thank you, tire iron!) I know everything there is to know about fighting and would love to pass on my skills to your kids. If you want them to be the best damn hockey fighters in the special olympics, I am your guy. With my training, the other teams won’t stand a chance. The ice will be stained with their blood, teeth, and broken dreams.

I am currently in between jobs so I can dedicate a lot of time to helping out.

Best,

Murderin’ Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

What do you think this is? The Special Dlympics are for the mentally handicapped. You know that, right? What you described is brutally violent and has no place in the Special Olympics. Frankly I think you deserve to be in jail. Thank you and goodbye.

From Me to Judy *******:

Whoa there. Don’t be so dismissive! Do you even know anything about hockey? It sounds to me like you think hockey is just soccer on ice. Well I’ve got news for you, Judy, you couldn’t be more wrong. In hockey, we don’t fake injuries and have to miss half the season due to a pulled vagina muscle. We fight it out like men. Fighting is what hockey is all about. It is a tradition that dates back to the first hockey game ever played. If you want your kids to learn how to play hockey, they are going to have to learn how to fight.

I’ll teach your kids how get away with everything without the referee seeing it. I’ll show them how to make butt-ending, head checking, slashing and tripping look like an accident. They’ll learn how to fight like hockey players. I have a whole set of moves I like to use during fights. My personal favorite is the “bowling ball”, where you gouge both of the opponent’s eyes and then jam your thumb into the roof of their mouth. I used that during a fight once and the guy actually started convulsing! It struck fear into the heart of the other team and we ended up winning the game.

With my expert training, your team will be the most feared team in the entire special olympics. Please reconsider hiring me.

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

You aren’t coming anywhere near these children. Your attitude towards this whole thing is disgusting. Its absolutely disturbing that you find this kind of behavior acceptable. Especially for mentally handicapped children. I don’t know what kind of insane league you played in but that is not the level of intensity that’s meant for these children.

From Me to Judy *******:

Oh, I get it. You’re saying that because these kids are mentally handicapped, that they don’t deserve to be treated like regular people? Instead, you want to point out their disabilities and tell them that they will never be able to play hockey like normal people. When I saw in your ad that the kids were mentally challenged, I wasn’t fazed. I didn’t see kids with disabilities, I saw kids that I could turn into great hockey players. Do you not want them to be able to play hockey like everybody else plays it?

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Give me a freaking break. You know that isn’t what I meant. Don’t pull that card on me. You expect me to believe that a violent psychopath like you genuinely wants to help the mentally challenged play hockey? Yeah, right! You don’t give a damn about these children.

From Me to Judy *******:

Judy,

I am starting to think that you are the problem with this team, not the kids. You do not have the right attitude to be working with these kids. If you want to tell these kids that they shouldn’t learn hockey the right way because they are mentally challenged, then that is just sad. It is a shame that you are taking away the joy of competitive sports from these kids. Competitive sports are great for kids – it keeps them from turning to drugs and violence in the streets.

Can I please talk to your supervisor? I would like to take your position and suggest that you be fired. You clearly do not have the right attitude to be helping mentally challenged kids.

Sincerely looking forward to taking your job,

Mike

From Judy ******* to Me:

Sure – her number is 1-800-GOTO-HELL

Sincerely done talking to you,

Judy