Seven Things No Self-Respecting Man Should Ever Wear
The well-dressed man can be seen in made-to-order suits on the high end and many well thought out ensembles on the way down. But sometimes, bad judgment overtakes reason, and we get these seven things no self-respecting man should ever wear.
1) Crocs
Unless you are either (a) seven years old or (b) working in a hospital, there is no excuse for this. Not only do you look like a total moron, but seriously, pastel shoes made of plastic? Really? What’s next, a shirt made out of green Saran Wrap? That’s waterproof too, douchebag.
2) A Fanny Pack
There are really up-to four things a guy can reasonably be carrying with him somewhere: Keys. Wallet. Cell phone. iPod. Which means that in almost any situation, your pockets are enough to do the job. If they aren’t, you’ll need a bag, and there are plenty of acceptable choices: a backpack, messenger bag, or if you want to really be styling, a plastic bag from your local grocery store. But no fanny packs. Ever.
3) Cut-Off Jean Shorts
Here is the complete list of time when it is acceptable to wear these
things:
You are in the Amazon rain forest, wearing jeans. A small child falls into a river. An alligator catches his scent and makes an alligatorian-dash for it. You, being the noblest man on your trek, jump in to save the child. The alligator gets your leg in a snare, so you unleash your handy machete and stab at the gator — but fail to do any meaningful harm, having not prepared for a gator attack. In a last-ditch effort, you slice off your jeans, mid-thigh, and escape to shore.
Barring that, just say no.
4) Anything Made of Beads
You know the type. The dude who thinks he is a bit cooler, a bit smarter, and a bit hansomer than the next guy. He’s the one who (a) isn’t and (b) is certain to wear the Douchebag Chain, a/k/a anything with beads.
The fastest way to go from “metrosexual†to “needing a big kick in the head†is to don one of these who-the-heck-ever-thought-this-was-a-good-idea things. Not only are men not destined to wear necklaces (with rare exceptions for religion ornamentation and dog tags), but beads are uniquely feminine. There are whole stores filled with beads and strings made for beading, and guess how often there’s a guy in there? Never.
The hottest woman on the planet could be in a bead store, having a long conversation about how she’s going to sleep with the next guy to say hi to her, and maybe — maybe — you’d go into a bead store. They’re like those high-end paper stores: in a man’s world, they don’t exist, because they’re dumb.
In fact, a real man should only have beads on his person during Mardi Gras while in New Orleans, and even then, the goal should be to give them away, not wear them in some dainty necklace.
5) A Halter-Top
This picture is so ridiculous, we just had to reference it twice. Seriously, what the heck is this guy thinking? And are those crocs on his feet?
6) A Major League Jersey With Your Name On It
Okay, folks, it’s time to wake up. If you’re 40, have a beer gut, and haven’t picked up a baseball glove since last summer’s company picnic, it’s time to realize that you’re never making the bigs. You’ll never play second base for the Yankees, and in any event, the real Yankees don’t have their names on their uniforms.
7) Black Dress Socks With Either Shorts And/Or Sandals
Welcome to WTF-Land, population: This Guy.
Black socks should never be worn with shorts. Black socks should never be worn with sandals Combining all three is proof that two wrongs do not make a right.
What’s really bad here is that the combination makes no sense beyond male fashion idiocy. If it is so cold that you can’t wear sandals without socks, why are you wearing shorts? Heck, why are you wearing sandals in the first place?
Yet we all know This Guy — the guy who is always wearing black socks. He wakes up the morning, puts on his socks, and then says, hey, what should I wear today? And then picks out something totally normal otherwise, but by then, is too late.
