E-mails from an Asshole 8-21

“Special” Wife

Original ad:
I need the help of a drywall expert to repair a large hole in our hallway wall. The hole is about three feet wide. You will need to bring all materials needed, but I will cover the cost. I can send pictures of the hole if requested.

Please respond with availability and a reasonable rate.

From Me to *************@*********.org


I saw your ad and will be able to help you out. The best thing to do for dry wall holes is to tape over the entire hole with strips of duct tape, and then paint over the duct tape. If you have wallpaper, I could just put wallpaper over the hole. That would be even easier. After the repair, nobody should lean up on the wall or it will probably tear again. I suggest hanging a picture over the hole. I have some old framed pictures of Bon Jovi that I could bring and install over the hole.

I am available all week, and my rate is $25/hr. When can I stop by?


From Brittany ********* to Me

Hi Dan! Thanks for the quick response. Sounds good! I will forward this e-mail to my husband and he’ll get back to you ASAP.

From Bryan ********* to Me

My wife sent me your email, but I don’t think she actually read/understood what you wrote. If you are serious, then we don’t need your help. I hope that isn’t how you actually repair things. Regardless, I will tell my wife to actually read the emails before sending them to me.



From Me to Bryan **********

Good afternoon Brian,

Your wife doesn’t sound too smart. I was going to recommend Hooked on Phonics, but she seems to be capable of writing. I think she just does not have the ability to comprehend what she is reading. I have a cousin who is “slow”, and there is this really good remedial school in Philly that he went to. They offer some classes that help with reading comprehension. If you want, I can look up the school and send the information to your wife.

– Dan

From Bryan ********* to Me

Heh heh, that might be just what she needs…

From Me to Bryan **********
CC: Brittany *********

Great! I’m forwarding our conversation to your wife, along with the school information.

The name of the school is “Smithbridge School for Special People,” and you can call them at (***)-***-2195.

From Bryan ********* to Me

Oh boy…please don’t…

From Brittany ********* to Me

What a jerk you are. Excuse me for being busy and quickly browsing through your letter. Go to hell!

From Me to Brittany *********

Brit, you should really consider this school. It might not seem like it, but they actually can help you. It did wonders for my cousin. He used to just stay at home with his aunt all day, but now he has a great job at McDonalds. Please, just give them a call.


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