Insulting Parrot
Original ad:
PARROT WANTED
I am looking for a parrot for my two children. I used to have a parrot and loved her and would love to see my kids have one. Really any kind of parrot will do. I have a vet that can check it out – please email me if you have a parrot you don’t want!Thanks!
From Me to **************@*********.org
Hi there!
I have an African Grey parrot that my wife and I do not want anymore. It would be great for your kids! Let me know if you want him.
Mike
From Sandra ********* to Me
Mike – tell me about your parrot! How old is he? Do you have any pictures of him? Why do you want to get rid of him?
From Me to Sandra ***********
Sandra,
My parrot is 2 years old. I don’t have any pictures, but he looks like a typical parrot.
We are getting rid of him because my wife does not like him. My wife and I argue a lot, and the parrot seems to have picked up some of the things I have said and just shouts them at my wife when she walks by. I think the final straw was when the parrot called her a “stupid fat twat.” She takes it personally, even though I tell her that she shouldn’t be self-conscious just because a parrot thinks she is fat. Now I will admit that I trained it to say “nice cellulite, bitch” whenever my wife walks by, but the parrot pretty much just curses at everyone now. Whenever I walk in the door, it calls me a “cocksucking grundle licker.” It kind of gets annoying when it is the first thing I hear after working all day.
Also, I let my friend watch the parrot for a week when I was on vacation, and ever since then, the parrot sings “The Final Countdown” by Europe every night at 4 in the morning. It often wakes me up and I am tired of it. I don’t even like that song.
The parrot also has an issue with defecating in its cage. It will wait until I let it out, and then immediately fly over to the kitchen and shit on my food. If I don’t let him out, he starts yelling “I have to shit!” until I let him out. It can go on for hours.
My wife pretty much told me either the parrot goes, or she will leave me. So I have no choice but to get rid of him. His name is Sam. I think he will be great for your kids, as long as they aren’t fat and won’t take the insults he yells at them personally.
I can set up a time for you to come check him out this week if you want. What day works for you?
Mike
From Sandra ********* to Me
Mike, I don’t think that parrot would be appropriate for my kids – they are only five and seven years old.
From Me to Sandra ***********
Sandra,
I think he would be great for your kids. I didn’t mean to scare you off with the bad description of the parrot. He really is a nice parrot. There is a way to prevent him from shouting obscenities. I found that if I soak his food in drain cleaner and then give it to him, it burns up his throat and he doesn’t talk for a few days. I can include a bottle of Draino and a few bags of bird food with him, if you want.
Mike
From Sandra ********* to Me
Are you serious? That can kill him!! He sounds like he was a nice parrot but you have no idea how to take care of him! Give him to the SPCA!
From Me to Sandra ***********
Excuse me? I know how to take care of a parrot. It sounds like you don’t know how to take care of your kids if you are always turning down free, lovable pets for them. THAT can kill their spirits. Why even put an ad up if you aren’t willing to be reasonable? Sorry this parrot isn’t perfect. You can’t expect people to give you Toucan fucking Sam for free.
I can’t take him to the SPCA. They told me never to come back after I tried to give them a bunch of rats that my rat trap caught but didn’t kill.
If you don’t take my parrot, I’m afraid my only option is to release him into my backyard, and then shoot him with my shotgun for sport.
From Sandra ********* to Me
You are a f*cking lunatic.
From Me to Sandra ***********
Sandra please take my parrot. I just checked and I don’t have any more birdshot shells for my gun. Please don’t make me have to drive all the way to Delaware to get more.
