Regular Car Reviews: 2006 Mazda RX-8

Regular Car Reviews takes a funny look at the 2006 Mazda RX-8.

An ode to the Mazda RX-8:

So many Mazdas of all shapes and sizes,
We did the Miata Which is why this franchise is.
The RX-8 was an improved RX-7,
which had been discontinued since 2011.

It came in all colors It came in all shades,
turd brown, magenta And gunmetal gray.
Naturally aspirated with side exhaust ports,
the engine was the 210 horsepower sort.

They said it was sleek.
They said it was classy.
But it was really just built
on an MX-5 chassis.

Its style was developed through design competitions,
in America and Europe,
in the Mazda tradition.
And also Japan,
let us not forget them.
Like America’s forgotten about Robin Wright Penn.

The car was designed by Ikuo Maeda.
A man who loved cars,
and maybe paella.

The 50:50 front-rear
weight distribution
makes this the official car of Hitman: Absolution.

Your friends all will marvel,
while drinking their Coors,
when you open the freestyle suicide doors.
They provide easy access
to seats in the back.
Since drunkenly banging
takes all of one’s tact.

A symbol of money culture made manifest:
That’s how to describe the RX-8 best.
For this is what Mazda intended to purvey
to make you feel King of all you survey.

But this is a shadow?
A trick of the mind?
A king of the road?
Why, you are no such kind!

This car attracts bros.
This car attracts schmoozers.
This car attracts winners,
and losers.

This car seats much lower than old Honda Fits.
But it feels like you’re sagging like elderly tits.

Headlights don’t go up,
nor do they go down.
They do not make noises.
They don’t make a sound.

As a coupe it’s not high,
nor is it too low,
but we cannot fit rollbars
for track day,
my bro.

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