These transcripts taken from public court records show that attorneys aren’t always as smart as they want you to believe. Sometimes the interaction between an attorney and a witness makes it real hard for the court reporter to keep a straight face.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, usn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reboks
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at taht time?
WITNESS: Uh… I was gettin’ laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me? Your honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30pm
ATTORNEY: And Mr Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh…are you qualified to ask that question?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
