1. Let everyone know you’re important by never taking off your sunglasses and making eye contact with the employee taking your order. Just make sure you find the biggest sunglasses possible. Seriously, if you can make yourself look like an annoyed fly, you’re on the right track.
2. If you’re sitting with someone be sure to talk so loudly people driving by will have to turn up their car’s radio to drown you out.
3. Be sure to watch Netflix in the highest definition possible when it’s the busiest. That way your video will be choppy and it’ll take everyone else 15 minutes to send a 4kb email.
4. Always look over the shoulder of the stranger sitting next to you so you can try to read what’s on their laptop screen. It’s definitely not creepy and plus you’ll learn so much.
5. Don’t ever put your phone on silent. If your phone rings or gets alerts constantly that’s even better. Also don’t use default ringtones. Make sure you download a three-second loop of an annoying hip-hop song that just sounds like distortion.
6. If you get a call instead of a text, answer it and talk so loudly people think you have a hearing problem. Everyone wants to know about your job so make sure they can hear every detail of it.
7. When you really want to double down, answer the call and put it on speakerphone. Who cares if you could just hold the phone up to your ear? Speakerphone is great and definitely intended to be used in a public setting as much as possible.
8. Don’t like coffee? No problem! Get a free cup of tap water and leech off the wi-fi for the next 7 hours! Pull some of the other chairs over to prop your feet upon as well. Live it up!
9. Make sure your funniest friend comes to hang out with you so you can cackle like a hyena every 4-7 seconds. Everyone else will love that so much.
10. When there are multiple open chairs and you don’t have a laptop with you, always take the one next to an outlet. Who cares if someone’s battery is about to die? What if you suddenly decide to buy a Gameboy Advance and need somewhere to charge it?
11. Everyone wants his own soundtrack when studying in a coffee shop, right? Make sure to share your playlist with the world by putting on headphones and cranking up the volume so loud the person next to you has to change spots in order to think.
12. If you want to take bothering people with your music into another stratosphere of annoying, don’t even use headphones. Turn up Ginuwine on iTunes and give everyone the opportunity to jump on that pony.
13. Always order off menu. Come up with the most asinine concoction and if the barista makes any sort of mistake or confuses it, respond like they just spit urine into the casket of your mother.
14. You can always dust off an old classic and make a big deal over the prices. You know, because the 19-year old barista behind the register is definitely the one that came up with the prices on the menu.
15. If you’re writing a script or a screenplay, you HAVE to mention it to anyone that asks if you need anything. It doesn’t matter if it fits organically into the conversation. Try this:
Employee: Sir, can I get you anything?
You: This screenplay is just emotionally exhausting. I’ve been working on this screenplay for months and I hear there’s some major buzz over my screenplay. I’m writing a screenplay, by the way.
16. Wait until it’s the busiest time of the morning and come in with a list of 37 drinks for everyone in your office. Make sure the note is written as sloppily as possible so you struggle to read it and have to call them to verify almost everything on the list.
17. Don’t just bring your kids, bring your kids and let them snack on chocolate covered coffee beans so they’ll be doing parkour off the walls like the first hour of Spiderman 2.
18. Be sure to treat your table like it’s your own personal office and leave papers, folders, and trash scattered all over the place like you’re in charge of a corporate merger. That’s a lot of documentation just to run a Tumblr account.