Vegan Housemate
Original ad:
Hey there! My roommate and I are looking for another housemate. We live in a large apartment in Upper Darby. There are two bedrooms and a spacious living area. The rent is $250 a month, which includes cable, internet, electric, and water.My roommate and I are both vegans and will only live with another vegan. IF YOU AREN’T A VEGAN, YOU NEED NOT APPLY. We are looking for someone who will help with the cooking, in addition to the rent.
If you are a vegan and want to live with two vegans who respect your personal space, please e-mail us. Include some information about yourself, including your source of income.
From Me to ***********@***********.org:
Hey,
I saw your ad, and I can’t tell you how happy I was to see that there are fellow vegans looking for a roommate. It is so hard to find someone to live with who respects my way of life. Are you guys still looking for someone to live with?
Mike
From Joanna ******** to Me:
Yes, we still are seeking a third housemate. Can you tell us about yourself?
From Me to Joanna ********:
Well, I am a 24 year old male, and I am currently make a living by being employed. It pays well. Now, as I said earlier, I am a hardcore vegan. I totally respect your lifestyle, but I will occasionally eat a veal burger, maybe two or three times a week. I hope that isn’t a big deal. If it is, I can eat it outside, but I will still need to cook it in the kitchen. But besides that, I am easy to get along with. I love watching TV. I hope you guys like CSPAN and late night HBO as much as I do. I also love music, and think I will be a great addition to your apartment.
Mike
From Joanna ******** to Me:
You’re not a vegan if you eat veal. Seriously, veal? That is perhaps the single worst thing a vegan can eat. Calves that are raised to become veal are ripped from their mothers at birth so they get anemia. Then they are starved of milk, food, and exercise. They often are put in crates so they cannot move at all; they just stand and suffer until their ultimate death. Veal goes against everything veganism stands for. How you even consider calling yourself a vegan astounds me.
From Me to Joanna ********:
Well thanks for the veal history lesson. My ex used to bitch to me about veal all the time, so I know all about it. Frankly, I think that is why I enjoy veal. Knowing that the calf suffered so much to make himself that much more tender and delicious for me makes it worth every bite. If I didn’t eat veal, it would probably expire and be thrown away. Then, the calf would have died in vein. You wouldn’t want that, would you. Seriously, veal isn’t that bad. They give the calf a nice safe home to live in. Would you rather they just let the calf just be let loose out in the wild? Then, it would probably be killed by a lion or something. By supporting veal, you are supporting the safe life of cows everywhere.
Seeing as how you got all uppity about the veal, I guess I should tell you that I own two shotguns and an assault rifle for hunting and will need to store them in the apartment. I didn’t think it would be a big deal, but I may as well tell you everything. Don’t worry though, both the shotguns are registered and the assault rifle has the serial numbers filed off of it so it doesn’t have to be registered.
From Joanna ******** to Me:
Don’t worry, you don’t need to tell me anything else because you aren’t going to live with us. I highly doubt there is anything about your life that even makes you close to being a vegan. You’re argument sounds like something a twelve-year-old would say. You’re clearly just claiming to be vegan to live in a cheap apartment. If you really think you are vegan, think again. Vegans don’t hunt, idiot.
From Me to Joanna ********:
C’mon, it isn’t like I’m eating the animals after I kill them. I just kill them because I hate deer. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stepped in deer shit – they shit everywhere. They are worse than old people. One time my little brother ate some deer shit because he thought it was beans. We had to take him to the hospital to get him tested for Lyme disease. I’m just killing deer to make Pennsylvania a better, safer place for children. I’m not eating them, so relax. I still don’t eat chicken or burgers or any of that shit. You are really picky about the vegans that you want to live with. So when is the lease for your place up? I’m looking for a place to live for about five or six months, and the sooner I can move in, the better.
From Joanna ******** to Me:
YOU’RE NOT A VEGAN!
From Joanna ******** to Me:
Not eating certain kinds of meat doesn’t make you a vegan. Veganism is a lifestyle which prohibits using any kind of animal product, be it food, clothes, or anything else. Hunting is absolutely unacceptable and your reasons for hunting are ridiculous. You won’t be living at my apartment so give it up.
From Me to Joanna ********:
Wow, I never thought I would find someone as pretentious as Bono, but you take the cake. Next time I bite into a savory beef brisket, I’ll think of you.
