E-Mails From An Asshole 7-15

Childhood Classics

Original ad:
Movies wanted for children aged 5 and up – will take all unwanted DVDs!

From Me to *********@**********.org:
Hey there!

I’m trying to get rid of a bunch of movies I’ve had since I was a kid. The movie stores won’t take them, and it would be a shame for me to just throw them out. I’d love to pass them on to people who can enjoy them. Let me know if you are interested.


From Julia ****** to Me:
Mike – Which movies do you have and how much do you want for them?

From Me to Julia ******:

Here is the full list:

Alvin and the Chipmunks
Backdoor Creampies 2
Beauty and the Beast
Big Black Threesome
Finally 18 and Legal
The Lion King
Mattress Slaves 3
The Mighty Ducks
Toy Story
Wet Squirters 5

Please let me know which ones you want.



From Julia ****** to Me:
Mike…some of those titles are inappropriate.

From Me to Julia ******:

Which titles are inappropriate?


From Julia ****** to Me:
I think you know which ones…

From Me to Julia ******:
Are you talking about Fantasia? I know, I thought it was a Vietnam war movie too. I assure you it has nothing to do with Asia and is completely appropriate for children. The only other title I think you are referring to as inappropriate is The Lion King, but I think you are confusing that with “The Scorpion King,” the violent movie starring Dwayne Johnson. While the Lion King does have adult themes, it is nothing like The Scorpion King.

I hope this clears things up.


From Julia ****** to Me:
No…explain to me how these movies are for children??? Backdoor Creampies, Big Black Threesome, Finally 18 and Legal, Mattress Slaves 3, Wet Squirters 5. It sounds to me like you are trying to throw out your porn collection.

From Me to Julia ******:
Pornography? What a disgusting accusation! What kind of a person do you think I am? You have a really perverted mind if you think those movies are adult films.

You’ve really never heard of those movies? Where was your childhood? I’ll find the plot summaries for you.

Backdoor Creampies – Cindy, a little girl with big ambitions, decides to open a bakery in her parents kitchen – selling pies to children who come to her backyard. Cindy learns that running a business isn’t all fun and games in this hilarious tale of entrepreneurship.

Big Black Threesome – Barry, Billy and Bernie are three lovable black bears who have zany adventures during their quest for honey.

Finally 18 and Legal – A coming of age story about a young girl who becomes an independent woman.

Mattress Slaves 3 – Part 3 of the shocking documentary about slave labor in the mattress industry of third world countries. (Acceptable for kids, and in my opinion, a necessity to educate them on some real world issues. I never bought a foreign mattress again after this eye-opener.)

Wet Squirters 5 – The Squirters gang is back again in this heartwarming tale about a group of whales who try to find their long lost father in a vast ocean of wet sea critters.

Once again, I hope this clears things up for you.


From Julia ****** to Me:
You expect me to believe that all of those movies simply have unfortunate titles? Nice try.

From Me to Julia ******:
Sorry to disappoint your sick mind Julia, but yes, they are all children’s movies. So do you want them or not?

By the way, I just found 3 more movies to add to the collection I am offering:

Toy Story 2
James and the Giant Peach
Walt Disney’s Double Penetration Cockblasts 3


From Julia ****** to Me:
Okay I’ve had enough of this. You are a nut.

From Me to Julia ******:
Think of the children, Julia. They will never get to enjoy these classic films because of you.

From Julia ****** to Me:
Go to hell.

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