Month: August 2009

E-mails from an Asshole 8-21

August 21st, 2009

“Special” Wife

Original ad:
I need the help of a drywall expert to repair a large hole in our hallway wall. The hole is about three feet wide. You will need to bring all materials needed, but I will cover the cost. I can send pictures of the hole if requested.

Please respond with availability and a reasonable rate.

From Me to *************@*********.org

Hey,

I saw your ad and will be able to help you out. The best thing to do for dry wall holes is to tape over the entire hole with strips of duct tape, and then paint over the duct tape. If you have wallpaper, I could just put wallpaper over the hole. That would be even easier. After the repair, nobody should lean up on the wall or it will probably tear again. I suggest hanging a picture over the hole. I have some old framed pictures of Bon Jovi that I could bring and install over the hole.

I am available all week, and my rate is $25/hr. When can I stop by?

-Dan
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Texting while driving

August 20th, 2009

The UK shows that they don’t fuck around when they make public safety videos. This one drives the point home with a bit of gore.



3D projection on a building

August 19th, 2009

If you kill 7 minutes on an internet video today, make it this clip of a minimal building facade transforming through illusions of 3D projection.

The structure is O. M. Ungers’ “Galerie der Gegenwart”—or it was before projection artists at Urbanscreen got involved. Their vision of “dreaming” architecture gave the textureless, motionless facade a dynamic new look.

Some of the illusions work better than others. For instance, the first animations of two hands pressing in the bricks actually fall short of desired surrealism—probably because you see the wrists floating over the building’s real windows. But other moments will exploit your perspective in the most satisfying ways, as if Optimus Prime were redesigned by M.C.



E-mails from an Asshole 8-14

August 14th, 2009

The Plumber That Can’t

Original ad:
I NEED CASH! I am a handyman and can do all kinds of work. I do plumbing, dry wall, electric, general construction, and any other job you need done! Email or call

From Dan Gibson to *************@********.org
Hello,

Your handyman skills are needed. I have a problem I was hoping you would be able to help me with. Last night, when I was throwing up, I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet and flushed it. It is a small phone, so I am pretty sure it made its way to my septic tank in the backyard. I need to get this phone back. It has an irreplaceable picture of my friend Tim hooking up with a fat chick, and I need this picture so I can taunt him with it for the rest of his life.

I will hire you to sift through my septic tank to find the phone. It is a 1250 gallon septic tank, and has not been drained in a while. On the plus side, I will let you keep anything you find that is not my phone. There is probably a ton of spare change that was accidentally flushed, and maybe some other treasures. The pay for this job could potentially be huge.

Please let me know when you can help. I am free all week. Just contact me via e-mail, because my phone obviously is in a world of shit (no pun intended)

Thanks,

Dan
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