A movie is rated “R” when—according to the Motion Picture Association of America—it contains “adult themes, adult activity, hard language, intense or persistent violence, sexually-oriented nudity, drug abuse,” or probably Nicolas Cage screaming about God only knows. But if you were to strip away all those elements and get to the very heart of each movie’s plot maybe, just maybe, you would have the perfect bedtime story to tell children that didn’t have any plans to get any real sleep that night anyway. (Note: There will be spoilers, but told in the gentlest, most adorable way possible.)

Hostel

Bedtime Version: Three friends on a long trip ride a train that’s just like the Polar Express but goes to Slovakia instead and stop by a house that’s just like the Three Bears’ house but doesn’t really seem to have an exit. And just like in the Three Bears’ house, the friends suddenly get very sleepy and take a nap. While asleep one of the friends disappears like magic while another tired friend sees a wizard with a magic wand and then also magically disappears, piece by piece. The third friend tries to find the source of all this magic and is caught by the evil wizards, one who uses his magic wand to cause two of the friend’s fingers to magically disappear. But the friend is able to find his own wand and cause part of the side of that wizard’s head to disappear. He then stumbles upon a pile of all the other pieces the wizard made disappear before getting back on a train and teaching the very bad super wizard the importance of flushing.
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